An elephant was talking to a camel and asked “Why do you have boobs on your back?” And the camel turned around and said “I wouldn’t be talking dick face!

My cousin actually posted this on facebook this morning and It was funny (at least I thought). So, I thought I would share it with all of you. Hope you get a little laugh out of it.

Guts or Balls? There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about
people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference
between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate
further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.

A woman named Laura is at a local zoo and comes across a vending machine,
which she has never seen before. She sees the slot for money, gets
money out of her purse, puts $.65 into the machine, and pushes a letter
and a number.

She is memorized by the coils turning just enough to let out the candy. So,
she does this many more times. After a little while, a man comes up
behind her and says,”Miss, could you please move? I would like to get
some candy.” She replies with,”Excuse me?! Can’t you see I’m winning
here?!?!”

Little Johnny was in the shower with his mother one day when, after
looking down, He asked “what’s that?”, pointing to her pubic area.
“That’s my sponge”, says his mother. “oh, OK”, said Johnny. A few weeks
went by and Johnny’s mother had to go to the Hospital for an operation.
When she came out she had her pubic hair shaved.

Johnny, upon seeing this. asked his mother, “where’s your sponge?” His
mother replied, “That’s OK, I lost it. It will turn up somewhere.” A
little while later, Johnny comes bursting into the room and says to
his mother, “Mom I’ve found your sponge.” “Where”? asks his mother,
wondering where Johnny could have found it. “It’s upstairs. The maid
is using it to wash daddy’s face.”

My sister sent this to me and I thought it was good, how stupid does someone have to be?
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy
who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary
and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
> against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of
> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> AWESOME!!!
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
> burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries .
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about
5′ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no
possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my
best…?
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a
one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all
that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .
.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT
THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over
the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst
when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from yo ur hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with
it!
‘If you think Education is difficult, try being
stupid.’

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.”

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!’ The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’ The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and
go home.’

The second man was given the sam e instructions. He took the gun and went into
the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, “You don’t
have what it takes. Take your wife home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s turn.. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. ‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I
had to beat him to death with the chair.’

MORAL:
Women are crazy.
Don’t mess with them.

So, Mike and I have been working on reproducing a site that we once had up called Audiofics. So far we have gotten 10 chapters of one audiofic uploaded. If you are interested in reading the audiofic it is a Harry Potter fanfic, and you can access the story from our site Audiofics.net If you have any suggestions on stories that you would like to see on there email us at admin@audiofics.net and we will look into getting them up.
Secondly, Mike and I have been trying to get arrangements for going South and whatnot, unfortunately were trying to figure things out becuase the flights are mostly full so there isnt really going to be room for Michael’s dog. So Mike is going to call Monday and see if there is any way we could get seats that have room for his dog and whatnot. So hopefully we can figure something out.
Well, anyways that is all I got for right now. Hope ya all are having a good weekend. Also I will post a joke here momentarily. Havent posted one in awhile now.

So, I was going to try to reframe from posting a joke for awhile, but I recieved this one in an email today and it caught my attention. It is by far one of the greatest jokes that I have got in a long time. So anyways, here it is I think you will all greatly enjoy this one. Oh my how kids minds work.

Whether Democrat or Republican, you should get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘ What is Politics? ‘
Dad says, ‘ Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family , so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense. ‘
S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents ‘ room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny ‘ s room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ‘ Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ‘
The father says, ‘ Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about. ‘
The little boy replies,
‘The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit.

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?’

The second one replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price’.

The first one says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.’

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?’

The second redneck replies, ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!’

Hey all;
Just thought that I would let ya all know that Mike and I have safely made it back to the state of Alaska. Our trip went great, although we found out it is slightly difficult to travel with a dog. Smile. However, our flight went great, and so did our IFA trip. It was actually one of the more comfortable rides we have had on their with only 12 passengers leaving us with plenty of room to maneuver the boat. Then the day after I got back I headed off to do some work. Which was great becuase, well I could make back some of that money that I spent while we were south. Then this coming week, I will also be working so I am slightly excited about that. Anyways, thats about all i have to share for now so on with the joke I received from a lady that emails me jokes all the time its about a politician. Hope you like it.
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the senator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from h igher up. What we’ll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf
course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his
hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friend ly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises …

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I
mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in
hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it
in black bags as more trash falls from above…

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t
understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full
of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says…….

“Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”